Another Awkward Event!

So this afternoon, I had to make an impromptu stop at Price Chopper so I can get stuff to make a cake to celebrate the WONDERFUL news I received today (and ice cream sandwiches because I have an unhealthy addiction to them) only to be a witness to ANOTHER awkward event (please try to get over the initial shock that I witnessed an awkward event because that never ever happens to me).  Anyway, I'm perusing the chip aisle because as we all know, I'm a fat kid stuck in a skinny kid's body where I see the most white trash family - to the point of being almost too white trash to be in the same class of actual white trash, perhaps beige garbage? - looking at frozen turkeys that were in the freezer at the end of the aisle.  Now, the beige garbage mother is sitting in that little electric cart that you get in the entrance of the store.  I don't think she had any disability as she kept standing up to get things, so I'm fairly sure she was just lazy.  But I'm not going to make assumptions.  As the electric cart mother is sitting there, the beige garbage daughter is lifting frozen turkeys by that string on the netting they're encased in.  Instead of putting it in the electric cart her ever so classy mother was sitting in, she's standing there shaking it by the handle as the frozen bird bounced below.  No sooner do I think "that's probably not a good idea" the handle BREAKS and the frozen turkey lands on the beige garbage daughter's foot.  She lets out with this hideous shriek as the electric cart mother is like "oh hell no, oh hell no!".  I decide its about time to "look at some of the groceries on the end cap" better known as "I really need to stand closer to see what erupts from this".  So this broad is bitching away as she takes her shoes and socks off to look at the damage (why both?  I don't know).  She's screaming as the electric cart mother is screaming for an employee to come over.  I was quite proud, as a retail employee myself, to see a Price Chopper employee book down an aisle to avoid the atrocity as it unfolded.  Just when I thought it couldn't get trashier, beige garbage daughter number 2 comes meandering over shouting "Whahappennn whahappennn" which I gathered to mean "what has happened".  They explain their story similar to how the end of the world is often described by theorists.  So I glance over just to see what's up and to take a break from my intense shopping and catch eyes with beige garbage daughter 1.  She says "yeah, I have my shoes off.  So what!"  And then I left.

Oh hi a new one.

In case you were wondering.

Here's some embarrassing facts about me that you may or may not know about me:

1) I used to think that 7-11 and AARP were the same thing.  So I really wanted to go to AARP for Slurpees.

2) When I'm really overtired, I have spastic legs.  This, in turn, prevents me to fall asleep resulting in being wicked overtired and looking like a spaz.

3) I used to think I had two cousins named Harold, but really I have only one.  And I always wondered why I never saw the two at the same time.

4) I once touched a peacock's poop.  I was in Florida and I didn't know what it was.  Since I was pretty careless about what I touched, I was pretty lucky it wasn't a bubonic plague soaked diaper.

5) One time my friend was driving in front of me so I beeped and wanted to stick my head out of the window to shout "hello!" only for my head to find out my window was still rolled up.

6) One time I was late for class like my first semester of college (which seemed to be the trend) and just as I was sitting down, the professor was saying something about the answer to a problem written on the board.  So I basically said the answer since nobody else was answering to which she responded "Thanks Jen, you just told the class an answer to the quiz".  Whatever lady, you look like an owl.

7) Ripped pants at track practice.  That's all I'm saying...

8) I don't drink alcohol what so ever.  But I managed to get pulled over at a DUI checkpoint and the officer asked me "how much I had to drink".

9) I left an entire message on a customer's answering machine about peeing in toilets because I thought I had ended the call.  Buuut I guess I didn't.

10) I threw one of my grandfather's golf clubs in a tree and when he asked how it got up there, I told him that it fell up there.

more to come...

Something funny for a change.

So you know how I'm the self proclaimed Queen of Awkward Moment Witnessing?  Well I've got a new one for you.  At work the other day I had plenty to drink.  I don't know what it is lately, but water and I have become BFFs.  I just cant get enough of it.  So anyway, due to the mass consumption of water/coffee/tea, an inevitable trip to the bathroom was due.  So I walk in and see a coworker of mine (we call her Amish Trudy, I don't know why.  We make up stories about how she rides her horse and buggy to work when the truth is, I've seen her drive in the parking lot.  Whatever, it's funny) standing at the sink WASHING HER FACE saying "get off of meeeee!  get off of meeeeeeeeee!" as she scrubs away the intruders on her face that are only visible to her.  So I book out of there to tell someone, anyone, what I had just witnessed.  So my coworker walks in the bathroom out of disbelief, because who in the world  is going to believe that someone is reprimanding germs invading her face, only to confirm that Amish Trudy had to now fend off the demons that have now spread to her hands.  

Sighhh... at some points in my life, I truly think that I'm being video taped and these awkward moments are all acts for people to get a good laugh out of my reaction.

Hello there.

Just to let you know.

I haven't given up on you.

And I never will give up on you.

I care so much about you.  So much.

You have the rest of your life ahead of you.

You're going to get through this.

And we're all gonna be here.

Every single one of us.

That includes me.

I promise you.

Trust me.

Okay?

Stay strong.  Please. 

I'm trying, too.

All I ask is you don't give up on me.  

Please...?

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

Think about it.  Please.

I have faith. 

Faith in our wondrous capacity for hope and good, love and trust, healing and forgiveness. 

Faith in the blessing of our infinite ability to wonder, question, pray, feel, think, and learn. 

I have faith. 

Faith in the infinite possibilities of the human spirit.

Stay strong.

Just something to think about...

He could have tuned in, tuned in, but he tuned out.
A bad time nothing could save him.
Alone in a corridor, waiting, locked out.
He got up outta there ran for hundreds of miles.
He made it to the ocean, had a smoke in a tree.
The wind rose up set him down on his knee.
A wave came crashing like a fist to the jaw.
Deliver him wings, "Hey look at me now!"
Arms wide open with the sea as his floor.
Oh, power, oh. He's flying whole. High, wide, oh.
He floated back down cause he wanted to share.
This key to the locks, on the chains, he saw everywhere.
But first he was stripped, and then he was stabbed by faceless men.
Well fuckers, he still stands.
And he still gets his love he just gives it away.
The love he receives is the love that is saved.
And sometimes is seen a strange spot in the sky.
A human being that was given to fly.

Stay strong.